Boys Adrift
In researching a new piece, I’ve come across a fascinating book called Boys Adrift by Dr. Leonard Sax. Unlike other books on boys, this one addresses, not only the whole ‘Jonny won’t sit still’ issue, but why boys, especially in the last twenty years, are becoming more and more apathetic and unmotivated. Citing almost a 100% increase in boys-turned-men who still live with their parents, Sax says his studies and experience lead him to believe five factors are to blame.
1. Video Games (huge, huge surprise)
2. Teaching boys too soon, pegging them in the ‘dumb’ group sometimes for the extent of their school years
3. Overuse of prescription drugs (esp. for ADD/ADHD)
4. Endocrine Disruptors (found in plastics and both slowing down puberty and making boys unmotivated)
5. Devaluation of Masculinity (am still reading this one…basically we don’t have any boy-to-man traditions or rituals)
If this topic is of interest, stay tuned for Richard Whitmire’s Why Boys Fail coming out in January.
And, if you have boys, I’m interested in your experience, good, bad, or ugly.
I’d love to recommend the book Wild Things by David Thomas as great read on boys, their stages of growth(all kinds) and what they need in each stage. I’m trying to raise a boy to be a man and it’s hard to figure out how to do it in today’ world.
oh, i loved this book. i have two boys (ages 2 and 3 and with a girl on the way!!) and read this last year. i so appreciated his approach. not alarmist/fear-inducing, but honest, intelligent, and informative.
and it was so clearly written that i’ve been surprised at how much i remember when his book (or topics pertaining to it) come up in conversation.
This is a very interesting topic to me, especially because I have lots of boys. Thanks for writing about it because I think it is not “out there” very much but it is very real–that boys are falling behind in school and male characteristics are de-valued in the schools while female characteristics are valued. I do think the male role model is crucial and that both parents should clearly value and encourage manly behavior.
Amy, I found your blog through your WSJ piece, via Steve Lee (my cousin-in-law.) I really appreciated your thoughts on the lessons we could learn from the Puritans. Great article!
This discussion on boys is one I’m keenly interested in. I have four brothers and two sons of my own. There are so many denominators in the raising of boys, that I don’t know how much to bank on in my own observations. But all four of my brothers left home soon after graduating high school. They all are successfully supporting their households and raising children of their own. One thing common among my brothers is their admiration for our father. A man who took us to church every Sunday, led us in Bible reading and prayer, was absolutely faithful to our mother, spent all of his free time with us, and had a good name in the community. Anytime he ran an errand, worked on the car, went hunting, he took one or more of us kids with him. One of my brothers told me recently that any time he is tempted with a baser side of his nature, he remembers our dad, he looks to the man he wants to be. I guess I put nominal importance on environmental factors, such as diet and entertainment, and more on relational factors. Does the son feel valued by his father? Is his father a man of integrity, inspiring pride in the son? I try to turn my children’s attention to the strengths of their father and model admiration and thankfulness (not as perfectly as I should) for the dad God has given them. Of course, a good father is a tremendous blessing, but even without one, our heavenly Father is the perfect Father. So even where earthly fathers fail, a godly mother can turn her son’s eyes to Him, training a vision of strong leadership and integrity even if an earthly father is not present. Our culture is offering a poor facsimile of manhood, glorifying womanizing, violence, and machismo. If a boy is not taught to see the difference between the facsimile and real manhood, he will be enslaved in a lifestyle that doesn’t satisfy his God-given need for purpose. But more than that, he will be destructive to the weak and vulnerable, the ones he was meant to care for and protect.
I feel one more point is necessary. All but one of my brothers had difficult teenage years. But when it came time for them to decide which path they would take, one of self-indulgence and responsibility avoidance, or self-denial and responsibility, they all chose the latter. To quote my father-in-law, “It’s not where you start out that matters, but where you end up.”
As a mom of 6 children, which 3 happen to be boys, I have been deliberate in what I allow my boys to do. It is important to me that they grow up to be men. So I have encouraged a good work ethic, NO video games, encouraged tools, fixing, fort building, hunting, guns and just plain hard work.
Now my 2 boys that are left at home, ages 14 and 12 are capable. Both can shoot, skin and tan squirrels. the 14 year old has shot 4 deer this year which his family has processed. they can cut wood, run a chainsaw with safety equipment, and haul it in. Build a fire, drive a tractor, operate tractor implements., and the list goes on. They have re-enacted in Revolutionary War battles at the state park. It has been a deliberate plan on my part to turn them into men. If I had someone come to the house to fix something, I required them to watch. I had them do projects with me. It hasn’t been easy, but feel confident they are on the right path. Walking a different way than the one the TV portrays or most people go has been key as well as seeking God as to have the right opportunities available to them.
Hi, Amy-
At teacher training this summer, our Dean of Students presented a lecture based on Gender Matters, another book by Leonard Sax. Following that, my husband picked up Boys Adrift from the Dean’s office. We have found it to be fascinating, both as teachers in a lower school and also as relatively new adoptive parents of a four year old boy from India. We have not introduced him to video games, and we only watch movies on rainy days or sick days.
He spends his time hunting lizards and frogs, singing and dancing, coloring and creating with paper, and riding his bike. We play a lot of imagination games (sociodramatic play). We have him use a stainless steel bottle for water in his lunch box and we try to eat as many organic fruits and vegetables as possible. We had started on a lot of this beforehand because of our social worker’s recommendations and our own instincts, but the book confirmed a lot of that for us and even took some of it a bit further. It definitely captured my husband’s attention for quite some time!
All best wishes as you raise your boys. Loved the piece you wrote on the Tuohy family.
I met you through your recent WSJ piece.
I have no kids, though I always wished for 6 (I’m convinced kids need 2 parents, and marriage has not worked.) But my experience with boys, and kids in general, has come though an energetically-outreaching evangelical Christian church.
The wonderful thing about the junior-high boys was: they were not “cool” yet. So they would react to what Nicodemus said, “How can a man be born again? Crawl back inside his mother’s womb?”, and REALLY start a discussion! Lots of adults are scared off by that; don’t be!
One thing was an education “theory” of the youth pastor: Kids a hundred years ago used to learn to red by reading the Bible. But not now. Now~~~and for many years~~~it’s been: “See Dick run. See Spot jump.” So what! What a difference from, “And God slew the Philistines.” If you learn important things by reading, and have an opportunity (and you’re encouraged to use your imagination) to picture the events described~~~WHAT A DIFFERENCE!
Kids today would think their parents and grandparents were crazy to play with pots, pans and wooden spoons, having a blast on the kitchen floor ’til it was time to help set the table. Would they think we were daft to gallop around the yard on imaginary “Black Stallions”, having read Walter Farley’s book, or to defend an imaginary fort in the apple tree against dragons and visigoths?
I guess I do not believe life is a spectator sport, but rather an ever-escalating series of engagements: chief and constant engagement being with our Lord.
God bless you, with your children! And remember Those Puritans, Amy! Thank heaven, they are in the DNA of America!!!
I read an article the other day that addressed the fact that our society has lost the “Real Man” heroic ideal. We’ve traded hard-working successful role models for celebrities and professional athletes. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s addressed in Sax’s book, but this may be a result of the issues which he is more directly addressing.