Is Spanking (Still, Really, Truly, We-Mean-it-This-Time) Wrong?
NYT’s Lisa Belkin is happy to be able to report: Yes.
Here’s a clip:
“The latest, published this week in the journal Pediatrics, is from researchers at Tulane University, who find that children who are spanked as often as twice a month at age 3 are twice as likely to become aggressive, destructive and mean when they are 5.”
Hm. The kids I know who are most aggressive, most unhappy, most disrespectful, and most unresponsive to their parents are those who are either not spanked, spanked too lightly, or spanked so often that it has lost its effect. These kids are unlikeable and often unliked, I suspect even by their own parents. I can draw a line between those who do and those who don’t and without exception, those kids on the DO side are sweeter, happier, kinder, more respectful, and more enjoyable, than those on the DON’T side.
Most parents I know spank calmly, speaking to their child both before and after the spanking about what they did and what they need to do instead. They don’t tear into the child with a two-by-four until he cries Uncle and walk away smugly, happy to have driven that point home. No one I know enjoys spanking their child. But there are times it is the only proper reaction to a child in the midst of a fit, being blatantly disobedient, or being disrespectful. There are times that the most loving thing to do for a child is to stop him in his tracks, give him a non-negotiable boundary, and say, this far and NO MORE.
Thank you for bringing up the “S” word. I am the mother of four, the eldest (now 25) was never spanked. I was intentional in that approach, having grown up with young parents who were little equipped to be deliberate in the use of spanking and hitting, and therefore used it in a reactionary way. My eldest did, to the best of my ability, receive clear “no’s”,and became subsequently the nanny of choice to many “time-out” or “watch t.v. and chill” parents, because the children would behave with her. My next three children (ages 19, 13 and 9) taught me something else. Namely, that spanking has an important application, depending on the nature of the child and the circumstances of family life. Headstrong, willful children,( a trait I truly actually love) also need strong feedback from the world to focus and develop their tremendous energy. This takes a lot of energy on the part of the parent as well, which sometimes includes taking lumps from the disapproving masses.
A case in point…my now 13 year old son was the subject of such a situation a couple years ago. We live in a large Midwestern city, and one cold evening after picking up my husband from work downtown with three children in the car, we headed home to discover that we had a flat tire. We pulled into a no-parking spot on a parkway, and began to attempt to change the tire. The children were in the car to stay warm, but our son was literally bouncing off the walls. We asked him to settle down, because a bouncing car is impossible to jack up. He didn’t, and we finally sent him out to run around in the park. Next thing we know, he arrived to take a flying leap into the open back hatch, as we were still attempting to jack up the car. Needless to say, my husband and I both took him aside, with his father holding his arm, and talking to him sternly about safety, and I gave him a sharp swat on his bum. At this moment,someone across the parkway yelled at us to stop. We noticed, but did not acknowledge.
Finally, we had given up on accomplishing the tire change ourselves, and called and waited for a tow-truck. Getting back in the car to stay warm, I sat in the driver’s seat with our son on my lap…we were chatting happily when the police arrived. The female officer came to my window, and then indicated that my husband should get out of the car. He did, talked to her and came back to say that she needed to speak with our son. Ashen-faced, our boy dutifully went with her, taken deliberately out of our earshot. At this point, another squad arrived, with two more officers. They got out and stood with my husband and myself, both of us feeling a bit shaken. One of the officers said to my husband, “Let me get this straight. We’re here because you disciplined your child?” My husband mumbled, ‘ Yeah, I guess so.” The officer replied, ” Well I think they should….name a street after you!” Our son was returned to us following his interview. We asked him about his encounter. He said the he told her, “I totally deserved it!”
I tell this story, knowing that it could have gone in the direction that we all fear now in our reactionary society. It often seems that the deeper motivation is to worry what others think, rather than to trust our innate love and intelligence as guides to accomplish the awesome, terrifying task of parenting. Of note, our son is a well-adjusted, still bouncing 8th grader who many comment (including, if you can believe it, his 9-year-old sister) is quite a gentlemen. But who knows where that comes from?
This topic is so mingled with other complications that it’s hard to do a “study” on the effects of spanking. Attitudes, methods, other discipline that happens, the amount of love and affection that is also involved in the parent/child relationship…these all affect how well a parent parents. I’m very convinced that appropriate spanking as one part of training a child is the way to go, but it has to be coupled with appropriate parenting in every other aspect as well. Unfortunately, MANY, but not all, parents who don’t spank, don’t teach their children about authority in any other regard either, and the kids run wild as their own authority. NOT a good plan.
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So nice to hear someone say that spanking is okay for a change. I live in a neighborhood full of what I like to call “time out children”. These are teens that have never had a spanking in their lives and could really benefit from one. My own children have only been spanked maybe twice in their life and it hurt me more than it did them.
I believe you should count to 10 first, then if you still feel they need it, then you should. In Kentucky, last time I checked, it is still legal to spank your child and some police officers who deal with the “time out children” recommend it.
This topic is so mingled with other complications that it’s hard to do a “study” on the effects of spanking. Attitudes, methods, other discipline that happens, the amount of love and affection that is also involved in the parent/child relationship…these all affect how well a parent parents. I’m very convinced that appropriate spanking as one part of training a child is the way to go, but it has to be coupled with appropriate parenting in every other aspect as well. Unfortunately, MANY, but not all, parents who don’t spank, don’t teach their children about authority in any other regard either, and the kids run wild as their own authority. NOT a good plan.
Well said, Amy.
I can tell kids who actually receive bright-line discipline from those who don’t as well.
I like how you pointed out that over-spanking is as big a problem (in terms of effectiveness) as not spanking at all. Many people don’t realize that the kid will loose the message if it is delivered too often or for things beyond their control.
As soon as you give the kid an option (“Do you want a spanking or no chocolate milk before bed?”) and they voluntarily choose the spanking, then it’s time to move on. They’ve reached the age where reason has engaged and alternatives offer more influence on their future behavior.
I hate spanking my kids (5 and 3). Hate it hate it hate it. But I do it on those rare occasions when it is required because I want them to understand that there are some things which are simply beyond the pale and will not be allowed.
Keep up the good work. =)
Well said, Amy.
I can tell kids who actually receive bright-line discipline from those who don’t as well.
I like how you pointed out that over-spanking is as big a problem (in terms of effectiveness) as not spanking at all. Many people don’t realize that the kid will loose the message if it is delivered too often or for things beyond their control.
As soon as you give the kid an option (“Do you want a spanking or no chocolate milk before bed?”) and they voluntarily choose the spanking, then it’s time to move on. They’ve reached the age where reason has engaged and alternatives offer more influence on their future behavior.
I hate spanking my kids (5 and 3). Hate it hate it hate it. But I do it on those rare occasions when it is required because I want them to understand that there are some things which are simply beyond the pale and will not be allowed.
Keep up the good work. =)
So nice to hear someone say that spanking is okay for a change. I live in a neighborhood full of what I like to call “time out children”. These are teens that have never had a spanking in their lives and could really benefit from one. My own children have only been spanked maybe twice in their life and it hurt me more than it did them.
I believe you should count to 10 first, then if you still feel they need it, then you should. In Kentucky, last time I checked, it is still legal to spank your child and some police officers who deal with the “time out children” recommend it.
amen!
This topic is so mingled with other complications that it’s hard to do a “study” on the effects of spanking. Attitudes, methods, other discipline that happens, the amount of love and affection that is also involved in the parent/child relationship…these all affect how well a parent parents. I’m very convinced that appropriate spanking as one part of training a child is the way to go, but it has to be coupled with appropriate parenting in every other aspect as well. Unfortunately, MANY, but not all, parents who don’t spank, don’t teach their children about authority in any other regard either, and the kids run wild as their own authority. NOT a good plan.