Why Siblings Really Fight

Parents, resign as mediators and, instead, work on ways to help your children enjoy each other the way they enjoy their best friends.

According to Nurture Shock authors, Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, parents need to realize kids have no incentive to be nice to their siblings:  They’ll be there, no matter how they are treated.  Why be nice?  But when children truly ENJOY each other, they become internally motivated to get along, smooth out rough patches, and play nicely together.

Sounds great, but HOW?

For one, get rid of your children’s books that talk about siblings.  In one study, 261 books, meant to ‘encourage’ sibling affection actually did the opposite. Even though the books ended happily, they inadvertently (we hope) give children great ideas of how to mistreat each other.  Let me rephrase:  Many times, a child learns previously unknown ways to torture each other simply by reading what other mean siblings do to each other.  Think Berenstain Bears or Sesame Street.

There’s more there on sibling relationships, but let me sum their findings with this quote by Dr. Laurie Kramer:  “If kids enjoy one another’s presence, then quarreling comes at a new cost.  The penalty for fighting is no longer just a time-out, but the loss of a worthy opponent.”

Question:  Do your children enjoy each other?  If not, why not?