Is Spanking (Still, Really, Truly, We-Mean-it-This-Time) Wrong?

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I recently had a conversation with another mother related to spanking and she mentioned to me, “so and so spanked her son the other day and she administered 12 smart swats”. I felt sick to my stomach over what I was hearing so I commented, “and that’s OK”? The mother immediately replied by saying that she thought it was overboard and bordering on abusiveness.

Interesting I thought, so I asked her, “how about one lick”? “Is that abusive”? I don’t think so the mother replied. “Oh I see” I answered, followed by, “so what gives you the right to determine abusive or non-abusive, and how do you come to your assumption as to whether or not one spanking that applies 12 swats is overboard whereas a spanking that applies 6 isn’t”?

She had nothing to say. My point being, hitting is hitting and when I hear of parents openly boasting over the fact they spank and how well spanking works for them, in their homes, and what positive effects it has on their children, I think to myself, “rubbish”. I was spanked as a young child and although I loved my parents, both are gone now, I never respected them for laying a hand on me or my siblings. I did not respect them for it.

My husband and I have 3 grown children, all are married with families of their own, and none spank. Ever seen that rich rosy glow in a woman, the kind that exudes pride and class? That’s me, and when I look myself in the mirror each and every morning I give thanks to the fact that I never once raised a hand to any of my children other than to show them love, affection, and to console them during those times they witnessed sorrow, pain, and heartache. That, my dear audience is what love is.

to add a little more on the last comment, I will put it this way – I believe it is effective used sparingly and used just like the title of the article implies (we mean it this time!!) with the parents following through with an air of discipline. I had a mother who was VERY disciplinary to the point of just being straight up mean and angry, which was extremely ineffective. She was using her anger too much, and did not follow through with teaching any real lessons, or structure. So, I think that getting more serious about the discipline isn’t going to work unless you have an emotionally and mentally balanced parent who isn’t going to end up borderline abusive from being wrapped up in anger about their kids and frustrated about the weak punishments that just cause more anguish and less peace in the household. It will work better (any disciplinary method, even occasional spanking) when properly implemented with a good meaning to it that the kids don’t feel is just wrong or cruel or has no value to it (which they definitely pick up on.)

Thank you for bringing up the “S” word. I am the mother of four, the eldest (now 25) was never spanked. I was intentional in that approach, having grown up with young parents who were little equipped to be deliberate in the use of spanking and hitting, and therefore used it in a reactionary way. My eldest did, to the best of my ability, receive clear “no’s”,and became subsequently the nanny of choice to many “time-out” or “watch t.v. and chill” parents, because the children would behave with her. My next three children (ages 19, 13 and 9) taught me something else. Namely, that spanking has an important application, depending on the nature of the child and the circumstances of family life. Headstrong, willful children,( a trait I truly actually love) also need strong feedback from the world to focus and develop their tremendous energy. This takes a lot of energy on the part of the parent as well, which sometimes includes taking lumps from the disapproving masses.
A case in point…my now 13 year old son was the subject of such a situation a couple years ago. We live in a large Midwestern city, and one cold evening after picking up my husband from work downtown with three children in the car, we headed home to discover that we had a flat tire. We pulled into a no-parking spot on a parkway, and began to attempt to change the tire. The children were in the car to stay warm, but our son was literally bouncing off the walls. We asked him to settle down, because a bouncing car is impossible to jack up. He didn’t, and we finally sent him out to run around in the park. Next thing we know, he arrived to take a flying leap into the open back hatch, as we were still attempting to jack up the car. Needless to say, my husband and I both took him aside, with his father holding his arm, and talking to him sternly about safety, and I gave him a sharp swat on his bum. At this moment,someone across the parkway yelled at us to stop. We noticed, but did not acknowledge.
Finally, we had given up on accomplishing the tire change ourselves, and called and waited for a tow-truck. Getting back in the car to stay warm, I sat in the driver’s seat with our son on my lap…we were chatting happily when the police arrived. The female officer came to my window, and then indicated that my husband should get out of the car. He did, talked to her and came back to say that she needed to speak with our son. Ashen-faced, our boy dutifully went with her, taken deliberately out of our earshot. At this point, another squad arrived, with two more officers. They got out and stood with my husband and myself, both of us feeling a bit shaken. One of the officers said to my husband, “Let me get this straight. We’re here because you disciplined your child?” My husband mumbled, ‘ Yeah, I guess so.” The officer replied, ” Well I think they should….name a street after you!” Our son was returned to us following his interview. We asked him about his encounter. He said the he told her, “I totally deserved it!”
I tell this story, knowing that it could have gone in the direction that we all fear now in our reactionary society. It often seems that the deeper motivation is to worry what others think, rather than to trust our innate love and intelligence as guides to accomplish the awesome, terrifying task of parenting. Of note, our son is a well-adjusted, still bouncing 8th grader who many comment (including, if you can believe it, his 9-year-old sister) is quite a gentlemen. But who knows where that comes from?

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This topic is so mingled with other complications that it’s hard to do a “study” on the effects of spanking. Attitudes, methods, other discipline that happens, the amount of love and affection that is also involved in the parent/child relationship…these all affect how well a parent parents. I’m very convinced that appropriate spanking as one part of training a child is the way to go, but it has to be coupled with appropriate parenting in every other aspect as well. Unfortunately, MANY, but not all, parents who don’t spank, don’t teach their children about authority in any other regard either, and the kids run wild as their own authority. NOT a good plan.

Well said, Amy.

I can tell kids who actually receive bright-line discipline from those who don’t as well.

I like how you pointed out that over-spanking is as big a problem (in terms of effectiveness) as not spanking at all. Many people don’t realize that the kid will loose the message if it is delivered too often or for things beyond their control.

As soon as you give the kid an option (“Do you want a spanking or no chocolate milk before bed?”) and they voluntarily choose the spanking, then it’s time to move on. They’ve reached the age where reason has engaged and alternatives offer more influence on their future behavior.

I hate spanking my kids (5 and 3). Hate it hate it hate it. But I do it on those rare occasions when it is required because I want them to understand that there are some things which are simply beyond the pale and will not be allowed.

Keep up the good work. =)

amen!